Hi, everyone. Back from a wonderful Christmas back east where the extended family got together in the lovely Chateau Montebello, kind of the Canadian equivalent of Camp David but more open to the public. And racing into 2011, I’m excited about some plans I’ve got for this blog. Look for a little bit of structure and a little bit of fun. Something for readers, something for writers. Stay tuned.
But first, a short kid’s story that you can buy off Amazon, Smashwords, and elsewhere, but read for free here.
The Girl Who Invented Peanut Butter
(a should-be-true story)
Terry Hayman
Copyright © 2010 Terry Hayman
There once lived a delicate princess, Malaspina, who was in a terrible state because her father had recently watched the Earl of Sandwich stuff meat between two slices of bread to invent the sandwich.
Now Malaspina’s father insisted that every chef in his castle serve nothing else.
But Malaspina’s tiny hands could barely hold these crusty creations. Her tiny mouth could hardly open wide enough for one slice of bread, not two, and certainly not with meat in the middle!
“Oh Daddy,” Malaspina begged, “can I at least cut my sandwiches into pieces with my knife and fork?”
“Heavens, no!” roared the king. “Just squeeze the sandwich together, Daughter. You can do it.”
She did, squirting out the contents all over her father’s royal robes.
“Aghh!” cried the king, and a call went out across the land.
Whoever could develop the un-messiest sandwich would win the favor of the king and the hand of the princess. And while Malaspina was not widely regarded as the prettiest princess around, her father did have lots of money, so…
Many suitors answered the call. First came a stormy-faced knight of Golgoth. His host of advisers studied the problem up, down, sideways, inside and out, and had their master construct a sandwich of the thinnest bread and most delicate slivers of fish.
Malaspina’s bite sent an anchovy slicing through the upper bread slice like a live eel.
“Eek!” she shrieked.
The next suitor was the blustery Duke of Canteburst, who presented a sandwich made of one piece of bread folded over, thus closing off the food’s rear exit.
Malaspina’s bite made tomato pieces rocket out either side like cannonballs.
“Yaaaaah!” she yelled.
The third suitor, Prince Kassim of Kasbhall, presented a sandwich sewn together with decorative ribbon. Beautiful.
But when Malaspina untied the ribbon, live insects (a delicacy in Kasbhall), came squirming out to wriggle down her top and buzz around the throne.
“Ook! Ook! Ook!” she cried, dancing about and swatting at everything.
Nearby, in the stables, a boy named Peter heard her cries. He cared nothing for the King’s wealth but had secretly loved Princess Malaspina from the time they were both little. Oh, he sighed, if only he had something to offer her.
But Peter had little enough for himself. His parents were dead. The stable master fed him dry crusts of bread for breakfast and weak soup for dinner.
Still, as weeks went by and no one else succeeded with Malaspina, he formed a plan. Gathering up the bread crusts he’d been saving by not eating dinner, he went to the cook and traded them all for two slices of freshly-cut bread.
“But what’s for the insides?” asked the cook.
“God provides,” said Peter, who had secretly planted a small garden behind the stables.
The next day…
Knees knocking together, Peter convinced the guards to let him approach Princess Malaspina’s mini-throne. He was shocked to find her changed from her normal sweet self. Her eyes were red from crying, her speech hoarse from screaming, her hands shaking from lifting and throwing so many sandwiches. She did not even recognize Peter when he held up his creation before her.
“What’s this?” she croaked meanly.
“A peanut sandwich, Princess,” Peter replied. “Very dry so it won’t mess your clothes. Good for you too.”
She considered him with a squinting red eye, then plucked the sandwich from his hands, and set it on the flat, polished arm of her throne. Lifting the top piece of bread, she sneered and rolled the peanuts onto the wooden arm of her throne.
“No!” she said. “I need something delicate.” She slammed her little fist down onto the peanuts, cracking them into pieces and shooting fragments in all directions.
“I need something un-messy!” She took off her royal shoe and whacked it thrice on the heap of broken peanuts, until, out of the shower of spraying peanut bits, a small heap of crumbs remained.
“I need something I – can – EAT!”
And with tears in her eyes, she grabbed the large book in which the court scribe was recording the goings on, slammed it down on the peanut crumbs and ground the book back and forth, back and forth, in a wild rage.
“Now,” Malaspina said sweetly as she raised the book and used one slice of Peter’s bread to wipe the mushed peanuts from it and the arm of her throne, “why don’t you take your pieces of bread and get OUT OF HERE!”
She slapped the other crust of bread onto the one covered with peanut paste and threw the creation at Peter so hard that he bobbled it. It bounced high out of his grasp and, as it spun slowly in the air above everyone’s head, a collective gasp of awe resounded through the court.
For this redone sandwich, joined by the mess Malaspina had made with fist, shoe, and book, spun and dropped as one piece into Peter’s hands.
Everyone held their breaths.
“Let me see that!” Malaspina said.
Peter, quivering, obliged.
The princess took Peter’s sandwich with trembling fingers, crunched delicately through the tough crusts, chewed and…smiled!
“Thish ish ree-ee gooo!” she said.
The next month she and Peter were married. To the grand sound of trumpets and the sticky smacking of lips — the wedding banquet’s official food was, of course, peanut-mush sandwiches carefully prepared by two hundred slamming fists, whacking shoes, and grinding books — Malaspina and Peter rode through their people. They waved, licked their fingers, waved again.
And lived stickily ever after.